Intentional Bleeding

So earlier this month I did something I had never done before. I donated blood. I friend of mine is a regular donor and invited me, including the incentives that we will get a long-sleeved shirt (way more valuable than a t-shirt, she indicated) and a chance to win a car.  That's enough for me!

The phlebotomists were friendly, the pain minimal (though the finger-prick iron test caught me off guard - that's the worst part), and you can't leave without feeling good. I watched as other donors bags filled up while they occasionally squeezed a padded tube in their fists and sipped on juice.  Then I got in my chair and looked away when she put the needle in. Once it was going I started to check out the scene and felt really proud of myself that I made it there.

I only felt the true weight of what I had done once it was all over and I could see the blood, my blood, distinctly outside of my body.  That little bag right there of my life juice could be a crucial part in saving another person's life.  It is truly amazing when I think about it.

Kind of like when I started to learn about birth and realized how it is this incredible thing that our bodies do.  We can grow people inside of us (at least most of us who are female). It blows my mind. What blows my mind about giving blood is the fact that I give away blood that my save someone else and my body will just make more of it.

There is this balance that must be understood with blood.  We have plenty to give away (the blood bank says you can come back every two months). But it our bodies lose too much, like in an injury, we might die if we don't restore it.  When I think of that I figure giving blood is one of the best things I can do.

Babies.

The past few months I have had some quite amazing lessons in birth, with the babies as my teachers. It hard to describe the preparation that goes into an event that by nature is completely out of everyone's control, including the woman whose body is going through the transformation.  The only way to learn to be helpful in the process is to be there a few times. So I am working on that. 

My first was Micah.  Though she was on the later side of 41 weeks, she came right on time, a few days after I experienced my first death.  She ended up being born just a few hours into Easter. She knew.  

I was actually thankful that she waited a few days after we found out my uncle had passed; I had just enough time to recuperate for the long and late Saturday.  Though the birth was planned to be at home, an ultrasound the day before indicated a dissolving placenta and staying at the hospital was necessary.  They tried a topical medication to start dilation of the cervix on Friday and continued with a manual, balloon type of method called a foley bulb in the afternoon on Saturday.  I had showed up Saturday morning, all ready for my first birth experience, and found this whole induction thing to be a very slow to start process, something I was happy about.  I figure it is better to let mom and baby ease into labor, rather than speed up the process.  But it was a lot of waiting.

There was the fear that once we were in the hospital, it wold turn into one of those experiences where a "cascade of interventions" creates a traumatic birth experience for mom and baby. But that's not what happened at all.  Once I got to the hospital I could see how comfortable the mom was.  She had a room overlooking the water (we were at TGH) and had already built rapport with her nurses; she was ready to move forward with the hospital experience.  

It was a tiring day of waiting.  I ended up leaving in the late afternoon for a little bit to rest up and see some family that had come into town to grieve our sudden loss of my uncle.  I remember holding my baby cousin Devin and getting a phone call from J, Micah's mom, saying, "If you could transport yourself here, that would be great!" They had just started her pitocin and the contractions got strong.  Not too long after she called to let me know she was getting the epidural and gave me the option to rest at home for a little while until she was closer.  

So I did. And just the time I was getting up to call her, she called me and said, "I'm 10 cm, they broke my water, want to be here when I have my baby?!" I got my things together and was out the door.  

I got in around 11:30pm.  She was laying on her left side, doing what they called "laboring down," allowing the contractions to move her baby farther down the birth canal. Only a dim light was on. Her mother was at her head, holding her hand and stroking her hair. I was behind her rubbing her back.  We were probably like this for an hour or so, just being with her while she experienced the contractions and her last bit of time in labor.  Around 12:30pm, the nurse came to tick her and said, "We can see the head."  That's when everyone came in. 

The setup seems like such a blur.  Several medical teams rushed in, NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) nurses set up the baby station, the mother's doctor as well as an assistant and supervisor, as well as several other nurses were in place in minutes. Stirupps pulled up. Lights positioned from the ceiling.  Suddenly mom was exposed and instructed on how to push during her next contraction. She was ready. 

It never occurred to me until I saw it happening that pushing is a process.  Even though I have heard about mom's who've "pushed for an hour" or any other length of time, I never really knew that meant that the baby's head could be both inside and outside of the mother's body for minutes or longer. 

I would hold onto her right leg while she pushed, then allow it to rest in the stirrup and tell her what a great job she was doing and that she was so close.  It took about ten pushes or so to get the head out completely. Each time it would emerge a little more, then retreat back in slightly once the contraction was over. With that final push of baby and fluid, Micah turned to her right as she came out and I saw her open her eyes for the first time. What a magical moment, making all the energy of being present and available infinitely worth it. 

A minute or two later we heard the sound of her little cry and mom just laid her head back and said, "Thank you."  That's all she was waiting for.  

I had been working for this mother for months, discussing all the possibilities of what we might do during labor, how it might go, etc. This was the perfect experience to show me that, it never goes like that, and yet, all the work we did together was necessary. 

I don't know anything else in life like this.  But then I also think, what happens when we approach each moment like this?  What happens when we joyfully do our work knowing we may have to change plans at any moment?  There is great wisdom in this approach.  Every moment is subject to change. Babies know how to live, indeed. 

Getting the Call, part 3

The Monday morning following my intense weekend of emotional release through bodywork (Spontaneous Shedding), I woke up renewed and recovered. I had plans to reconnect with a good friend of mine over tea and I decided to show up at the lounge early and do some work.

I opened my email and found a note from someone I never met before. She was a woman in Seattle who was several months pregnant and moving to Tampa to co-parent with her mom. Somehow she came found me through looking up open mics and came across my business website. She was also looking for someone that does energy work to be at her birth and wanted to know if I was interested.

It took me a minute to soak in the implications of this email.  Only five days earlier I had my first experience at a birth center and my first experience of being with a family immediately after a birth, which left me with an intense desire to seek more experiences like that. It was all a little weird. How did this woman, on the complete opposite side of the country, contact me of all other energy workers in this area?  This is all immediately following one of the most intense and emotionally draining and clearing weekends of my life. I had finally returned back to "feeling like myself" and I was greeted with an invitation to attend and assist in a birth for someone I had never even spoken to.

Immediately I rose to the challenge. I wrote Sara back and explained my recent experience at the birth center and what I can offer with the cranial work that I practice as well as the ability to use Reiki energy.  Reiki is a simple, yet powerful form of energy work, usually described as the "laying on of hands."  In my head I was thinking, it sounds like she is looking for a doula.

After some positive correspondences, we decided to meet once she arrived in Tampa in December.  Even after our first emails I could feel a great rapport building between us and I looked forward to getting to support someone through this life-changing experience.  I also started to look into what exactly a doula is and how one goes about becoming one.

I remembered the first time I heard the word doula was in massage school. My friend in class was looking through a massage magazine and saw on article on massage therapists who are also doulas. "What's a doula?" I remember inquiring, and she explained to me that it is a woman who helps with childbirth, massaging, comforting and supporting the mother.

"Wouldn't that be amazing?" she asked me. I thought, "Yeah, if you want a super high-stress job...I think I would rather become a yoga instructor."  Haha.

Before all of this I really new nothing about childbirth. Nothing. I have been too busy learning about bodies in general, that gendered bodies seemed too complicated.  But almost suddenly this all shifted. The more I corresponded with Sara, the more interested I became in actually doing this work. Even before we met in December I had already silently committed to her birth and started to learn a little about what happens in labor. I was still working on the last semester of my Master's program at USF but dreams of becoming a doula started to creep in. I had started to consider how this profession would reshape my life and wondered if it was really for me.

It was at this time that I finally started to recognize that I was being called to do this work. Thoughts of being a doula were at times more present than the last term paper I had to write. It felt right. 

There was one final conversation that solidified this choice for me. A few weeks later at the same tea lounge I met with some friends I had not seen in a while. One was a midwife and I started asking her some questions about the process and she mentioned that she was a doula before she was a midwife. She explained that the process of training for a doula wasn't nearly as strenuous as for a midwife and that you just start with a workshop. 

If you've invited me to any event on a weekend, there is a good chance you may have heard me decline because "I have a workshop." In a variety of capacities, workshops are a frequent part of my work or school experience. A workshop is very doable for me, and after talking with my friend I started to look into local doula workshops. 

As it turns out, the only tampa doula workshop is literally blocks from my house. It couldn't get any easier for me. I felt like that was the universe making the choice obvious. 

So tomorrow is the first day of my three-day doula workshop and after that I will be "trained."  I have been blessed to very quickly find several births to attend so in a few months I will have some real experience. 

A world beyond what had become ordinary has really started to open up. I have devored all sorts of literature on prenancy, labor, birth, and motherhood. A whole community of childbirth professionals has started to reveal itself to me. I am even in the process of starting a collective with several other doulas and we have big dreams of what we can create here on a local level. Everyone that I have told about this decision has been greatly supportive, most confirmming for me that I was made to do this work. I realize this is only the beginning. 

I am so thankful I was able to recognize the sound of the call and that I was able to muster up the courage to answer.

Getting the Call, part 2

Last Spring, I good friend of mine shared that she was pregnant. I haven't had many friends that I am close to get to this point in their lives (though I am sure this is going to be happening more and more often), and was very excited to hear that the following fall we will be celebrating the birth of her first baby. I had told this friend early on that I would be more happy to come after the birth and do some cranial releases for her.

The cranial work that I do, called Cranial/Structural, releases restrictions in the soft tissue surrounding the cranium bones affecting the structure of the rest of the body. The cranium is a mirror for the rest of the body and we can affect the pelvis by releasing the cranium. The main release that we do for the cranium in SET is called the Core Distortion Release. This release changes the relationship of the pelvis and the sacrum allowing those bones to move into a more balanced state.

Following childbirth, the hormones secreted to relax the ligaments, tendons, and muscles so that the pelvis can open for delivery are affected the soft tissue of the whole body. When the Cranial/Structural Core Distortion Release is applied at this time, we often get more movement out of the release because everything is already loose and we help the mother's pelvis to return to a more balanced state which is invaluable to healing from such a dramatic experience. Not only is her pelvis healing from delivery (if it was a vaginal delivery) but it is also healing from at least 6 months of carrying around extra weight in the front of the body. Mothers often suffer from back pain during pregnancy and after, so this is my gift to hopefully decrease the discomfort and help her to recover and begin her new life with her baby.

My friend, who I will call Lynn, is the first person that I was blessed to have this experience with. Lynn expressed interest in this treatment and asked when it was best to do it. I told her that we can do it as early as when the placenta comes out and ideally within 24 hours of the birth. I told her and her husband that they can call me at anytime and I would be there as soon as I could; the release would only take about 30 minutes at the most so Lynn wouldn't have to be worried about being away from her baby for too long.

When we were approaching her due date I received an email from Lynn letting me know that the time was near. Her daughter might arrive as early as two weeks before the due date or as late as two weeks after.  They had decided to have the birth at a local birthing center called Labor of Love, which was ironically, less than a mile from my North Tampa office.  Lynn and her husband had decided to not have anyone at their birth besides the midwife and assistant, so I was to be the first friend/family member to see the baby. I felt honored to be included in this inner circle, which was my first introduction to many more intimate birth experiences to come.

On a Wednesday night in November I got the call.  Luckily, it was early in the evening and I had the night off.  When I answered, I could hear Lynn's husband on the line saying, "She's here, our daughter is here."  His joy was palpable.  They were ready for me to come and see Lynn and I said I would be there shortly.

Stopping at my office on the way to pick up some supplies, I made it to the birthing center brimming with excitement.  I had never been to such a place before and it was beautiful. The center is in a business complex that looks like a bunch of cabins tucked away behind some trees. You would really have to know that it is there to find it. The complex was empty with only a few shaded windows lit up; it really just looked like someone's home. There was a wrap around porch encircling the entire building and the energy was calm and comforting; what a great place to be born. The inside matched the energy exactly.

When I walked in it was like I was walking into a well-loved apartment. There was a lovely living area, kitchen, two bathrooms, one with a shower the other with a huge bathtub, and two bedrooms. Lynn was still in the bed, nursing her very hungry newborn. Apparently, her daughter had been feeding for the last 40 minutes with no sign of stopping. I told her to take her time; I had no place to go and was just reveling in the amazing energy of a birthing space.

Though I had never seen a baby so fresh before and was excited to meet their daughter, I was very conscious of my energy. I was there for a very specific reason and I wanted to make sure that I maintained the sacredness of the experience for Lynn and her family without getting in the way. 

While Lynn was resting and feeding her daughter, her husband filled me in with the events of the past few days.  She had been in labor for four days, going back and forth between her home and birthing center, and it had become pretty tiring. It seemed like it was hard for the husband to see his love go through so much pain for so long. But as he told me all of this, you could see he had been deeply affected by the experience. He was amazed at her incredible strength to make it through all of it, and now they had their beautiful daughter here with them. In a way, it made him stronger.

The energy of the birthing center was in stark contrast to what had previously occurred. The struggle, pain, and frustration had faded away and all that was left was this calm and patient love. The lights were low, the place was relatively quiet. The midwives where mostly in an attached office, though they would come in from often to check on things or perform the tasks they needed to. They would answer Lynn and her husband's questions, affirm that it great she was still feeding, and made sure that Lynn had everything she needed. I was waiting for a while until the baby was done feeding, soaking in this calm and healing place and thinking, "This is where I would want to come into the world."  I had come with the intention of bringing more experiences like this in my life. I had no idea at the time how profoundly life changing this intention would be. 

Once Lynn handed off the baby for daddy-bonding time and had taken a shower, I had her lay down on the bed so I could do what I came there to do. The midwives decided that this would be a good time to do the examination, which actually took place on the same bed that Lynn was on. While they took measurements and checked range-of-motion, I held onto Lynn's cranium and began the subtle release. 

Very quickly Lynn relaxed and took a quick nap. Her cranium released so easily, my pressure and intention just barely guiding the movements, it was like they knew already where to go.  It was amazing to feel her head relax into my hands and again I felt so grateful to be there with her and have this experience. Lynn is someone who is always on the go, so I was happy to give her a little bit of time that was just for her. And after all of that hard work, she needed it.

Shortly after, Lynn came back to life refreshed. Her daughter was already hungry again and so they set to feeding again, a routine they've come to know very well by now. With my job done, I said my goodbyes and left the birthing center. I remember hoping that I would be back there someday to share in the amazing experience of life. Little did I know, the universe's message was to get a lot louder in the next few days.
Read Part 3

Getting the Call, part 1

The summer after high school I read Joseph Campbell's Hero with a Thousand Faces and was completely enthralled by this idea of the mythic process. Campbell outlines this process through comparing myths from various cultures to show that they all follow an almost predictable formula. His work has since been met with plenty of criticism, but for me it was like reading a sacred text about how to live our lives to the fullest, like the twentieth century, Western Daodeching or something. I remember even trying to find local Joseph Campbell fans to share in my intellectual reveling, though no community emerged. I have seen learned that even with community the journey is ever more inward. 

The first step in the mythic journey is what he calls the "call to adventure."  This is where the hero is summoned to walk a different path than they have been on or what is dictated by their present community.  A world beyond what had become ordinary starts to open up and reveal itself. Sometimes it is through a chance event that this occurs.  The princess loses her golden ball down a well. Siddhartha decides to journey outside his palace walls and discovers a world unknown to him. Frodo inherits a ring. Even in our own lives this happens. It is amazing to look back at the seeming mundane events to see that they were our messages that life change is near. 

I do feel that I have been called by the universe to become a doula, and now that some time has passed I can see how this worked.  For those unfamiliar with the term, a doula is a non-medical childbirth assistant that provides emotional, physical, and informational support to a mother before, during, and after labor. 

The first event that primed me for everything else was watching a documentary called The Business of Being Born. This was something that I had seen on Netflix for a while and never even thought to watch because, well, it didn't sound like a fun one and I wasn't very interested in learning about how messed up delivery practices were. I took enough women's studies classes in college that I am mildly aware of terms like "the medicalization of birth" and for a long time that was enough for me. Birth just seemed scary and not something that I even needed to think about. 

Back in the fall, I was invited to dinner at the home of long-time friends of my boyfriend. Though we've been dating since last spring I had not yet met these friends, partly because they are a couple with a 13-month-old and that doesn't leave much time for hanging out. It was a wonderful evening, the food was superb. I am totally impressed by a woman who works all-day, comes home to a small child and is still able to make an incredible meal for four people. The husband helped, especially with distracting the child, but the wife was definitely running the kitchen. 

I chatted with her a bunch and the conversation eventually got to talking about her birth experience.  Since then, I have learned that their experience was similar to many women's experiences today. Her labor was induced with pitocin which initiated a cascade of other interventions that made the process scarier and even more difficult. Nurses were coming in and out, giving more pitocin or epidural without consent, and mom or dad were both displeased with many elements of their experience.  In the end, thankfully, things turned out okay and they have a happy and beautiful daughter. 

One thing the mom said really stuck out to me. She had considered a home and/or natural birth and someone recommended she watched this movie, The Business of Being Born. After watching five minutes of it, she decided that the hospital was where she wanted to give birth. (Now she says that if there is a next time, she will seriously consider a home birth to avoid the trauma of the hospital birth.)

I was intrigued. Five minutes of this documentary biased against hospital births and she was convinced that this was the way for her?!? I had to check it out at least to figure out what five minutes she must have watched.  This never became clear to me.

Though I am not planning on giving birth soon, I certainly felt the exact opposite after viewing this film. I was actually very angry the day after I saw the movie. I couldn't believe some of the practices that they showed or that lots of women think that it is normal and okay. 

Since then, I have started to accept that hospitals or obstetricians are not evil and certainly some are better than others. As a doula, I will most likely be present for many hospital births, and it is important to work with the hospital staff and not see them as enemies. Besides, the birth is all about mom and baby, and they get my support now matter what choices are made, even if they don't match up with what I may personally choose. 

This was a start of my education and the constructuve side of anger is that it motivates us.  I was not aware of this then, but the feelings of "Women need to know this information!" was the beginning of this new passion of mine. I am so thankful for that dinner and conversation that led me to begin my education of childbirth. Though there were several other events that helped me to recognize that I was recieving a call, this was the first ring.


Read Part 2

Creative Life, Creating Lives

I see that my last post was almost a month ago, and posting once a month is really my ideal minimum. It is interesting to me how long it takes to actually write something on here, even though I think about things to write all the time. There is something about actually sitting down and taking the time to write, seeing my thoughts appear in front of me in text form, that is really scary. This is also the same reason why I believe writing to have incredible power. Natalie Goldberg tells us to dive into our first thoughts, especially if they are scary. Situations of creativity that induce fear because of their uncontrolled and unpredictable nature seem to be a theme for my life, and I mean that with sincere positivity. I believe these are our moments of healing and there's no denying that we need a lot of that. Even though I feel this truth with every essence of my being, I still struggle with the often unconscious fear of really facing myself.

It seems this is what is often in my way of sitting to write (or sitting to meditate) and is probably often also involved with resistance to bodywork. I am saying all this to break through the resistance and share some things I have been thinking.

I am hoping between now and the end of the year to do lots of cleaning and organizing (here's to accountability!). As someone who keeps busy, having an uncluttered space seems to be to only way I can keep it going. And by the looks of it, the business isn't slowing down. Since I have completed my Master's this month, I keep thinking that I now have all this free time. That I am on "winter break." I have come to realize this is an illusion. I am not on a break from anything.

We are at the end of an astrological period called mercury retrograde. I don't know exactly what it means, but it happens a few times a year for a few weeks and is not favorable for making big decisions or starting new projects, but it is great for finishing up old business. We've also just had a pretty powerful winter solstice. I don't know how often we have a full moon on winter solstice, but we did this year. I feel it is an interesting play of light and dark. Winter solstice is the longest night of the year and the full moon is the lightest night of the month. We also had a full lunar eclipse that night; it is almost as if earth momentarily lost the light during its darkest period this year. But the light came back that night, and the days have been longer since. I don't think I can fully comprehend what this all means on an energetic level, but I do think we are in for big changes and I am hopeful.

In light of all this (couldn't help it), I believe my shift is career path is something that is crucial to making the social changes we need to to survive. Generally, I tend to focus my activism on individuals. What I mean by that is I believe it is the changes that we make within ourselves and how that translates into our actions that make the global changes that we are seeking. I also believe our bodies to play a fundamental role in this process, which is why I have had a fascination with learning about bodies.

Lately I have been spending a lot of time learning about female bodies and particularly, pregnancy and birth. Through a series of events over the past two months, I have decided to pursue doula certification.

A doula is a trained labor companion that provides continuous support during the birth process. It is a word of Greek origin that meant a female caretaker. Today it has come to refer to a woman who is experienced in childbirth who provides continuous physical, emotional and informational support to the mother before, during, and after childbirth. Though I have never experienced childbirth first hand, the training is designed to make me more knowledgable about the process through books, workshops, and most importantly the experiences of attending births.

If someone would have told me six months ago that this is what I would be doing after I graduate, I wouldn't have easliy accepted it. But after a series of events beginning in November, there was almost no question for me. Though it was an easy decision, it will mean some changes in the way I run my business and my life. Being a doula means being on call. Birth does not run on schedule. Baby's come when they are ready, whether the calendar has reached their projected due date or surpassed it. And sometimes the process is long, draining, and scary, which is why the presence of a doula is so important.

The creative act is the same whether it is the creation of a new life or the creation of our lives, because either way it is scary and uncontrollable. I guess that's why I find it so compelling. I am able to recognize that one of my gifts for this life is as a space-holder. This is my role in the treatment room, as a host at open mic, and soon to be also in the birthplace. I constantly find myself in the role of an anchor. Someone who maintains ground while another allows themselves to let go in one way or another. But one thing is for sure, sometimes I need an anchor too.