Vulnerability and Connection

I recently watched this video on Ted.com, which is actually the first video I have watched on this site. This is a great place for quality, free, online videos.

My co-founder of Door Stop Productions posted this because it is very true with respect to what we do at open mic. When people get up and share their stories through art, they simultaneously become vulnerable and more open to connect.  It makes sense. We shut down our openness to the world often because we've experienced vulnerability and want to keep that from happening again. But if we want to connect with others, which is really the reason we are here when it comes down to it, we have to open up and admit our vulnerability. I say why not celebrate it.

I was reminded of this as I finished the last post. The state I was in while my body was releasing all that trapped emotion (energy in motion) was incredibly vulnerable. I wasn't hiding who I was anymore, who at that time, was someone feeling a bunch of unpleasant stuff. Not only that, but I was allowing another person to see it. Even more scary.  However, it was the moving through all of it that is allowing me to proceed in my lifetime process of opening. Sharing my journey and helping to guide others in their journeys is really why I do what I do.

Here is the video:

Spontaneous Shedding (Interlude)

It is time that I write about this experience. It is amazing when I look back at the timeline of events. It is fair to say that the beginning of November 2010 changed my life.  Mid-week, I had the experience I wrote about in the last post, which was the beginning of me recognizing that I was receiving a call. Then several events that followed over the next few days, amplified the message, though it did not become clear for a few more weeks.

On Wednesday, I had the honor of providing a cranial treatment to a friend right after childbirth. This opened my eyes to a world outside of time, where life happens. Experiences like this can't help but bring us closer to center (well, it is either that or they throw us completely out into the tumultuous perimeter of a whirlpool where we can't grab a hold of center if we tried).  On Thursday, my open mic gave me some lessons as well and I will elaborate in a forthcoming post. On Friday, I got to reconnect with a dear friend that I had lost touch with for a while. Part of the reason involved the birth of a child and I got to hear about adventures in a daughter's first year. Timely.

On Friday afternoon I went hiking with my partner. He has spent a lot of time in the trails around here and took me to some of his favorite spots. We admired an old cypress, the wisdom of these trees is palpable. Checked out an unknown spring, which he had long ago named after himself, briefly saw some deer, and followed the trail of a dry tributary. I got to see how refreshing it is to be out in the land, especially the land of my home, which deserves more connection. This is one of my many churches.

On the way back, we found our way through leaves and cypress knees and I suddenly felt a sharp, stinging pain in my right inner ankle. I have never felt a pain like that; it was as if a large needle had just punctured the bone. I lifted up my sock to see if maybe it had a thorn in it or something, but there was no mark at all. I realized that in maneuvering through the woods, my left foot had kicked the right ankle. It was one of those things where I kept thinking, "Why would my body do that!?"

I was able to make it back to the car, it was only later that I realized that it was really hurt. It had started to swell during the night and I was very aware of it while sleeping. By morning, I was limping and worried that I had chipped the bone I had to get up very early to go to the second to last workshop in the SET training I was assisting in. These classes consist of 12 weekend workshops, completed in about a year's time.  As an assistant, it is quite the time commitment and though the educational benefit is worth it, I was looking forward to the training completion.  Even with a hurt ankle, I knew I would be surrounded by healers and may get some insight into what happened to my body.

Part of the role as assistant is to fill in "on the table" when there is an odd number in the class. Ideally the class has an even number so that partnering up to give and receive the bodywork pattern being taught that weekend evens out. Occasionally someone is sick or has to miss class, so the assistant fills in the gap.

This particular weekend the students were learning arm and hand work, how to release nerve entrapment issues (like carpel tunnel). I was watching the demo in the morning and commented to one of the students, "of all weekends to have an even number!" The arm work looked really great and just what I needed.

Well, sure enough, once we got back from lunch, one of the students became ill. The student I had commented to looked at me and said, "Well, you manifested that one for yourself, didn't you?" I hadn't meant for anyone to get sick, but it funny how quickly the energy we put out there comes back to us.

As I got on the table, I had let the student know that I am really sensitive in the arm pit. When I went through this particular weekend in my training, I was amazed at how vulnerable the armpit work can feel. I wasn't sure what had possessed me to say this to this student, but I though they should know.

Fairly early one in the bodywork pattern, my teacher comes over to show the student how to release the lower attachments of the pectoralis minor. My teacher has big energy. Sometimes I wonder if it is bigger than he even realizes. as his hand gently eased along the side of the ribcage, I could feel my body start to vibrate and started to say, "Slow! Slow! Slow!" but then I popped.

What occurred next might be difficult to understand if one has not ever had a similar experience. I would explain "popped" like a jack-in-the-box. The box is the body, the spring is the energy. The body contains within it different pockets of stored energy, which seems at time to come out in spirals. When we receive bodywork, the box can unlatch and suddenly out springs this intense energy that can be startling. The releasing of this energy is what allows us to release chronically tightened tissue, which overtime can cause some serious pain. The "jack" may be whatever we attach to the energy: Memories, traumas, distinct emotions, held back expressions, etc. Though the process of releasing can get intense, the end result is a person who is more connected, integrated, and healthy. Knowing this end result is what got me through this particular release.

Before my teacher was done with the stroke into my armpit, I was starting to shake and convulse. I immediately wanted to blame him, to say, You did this to me. I turned my head once I mustered up the strength to speak and said sternly, "When I say slow, you need to go slow! This is not the first time I have felt this way and I know I am not the only one." My voice was a half-yell, half-whisper, and that was all I could get out, while still shaking uncontrollably. Without emotionally engaging in that comment, my teacher just looked at me and calm said, "We need you to release this now."

I lost it. I started breathing like I knew from the breathwork (EERT), while being couched by the therapist who was working on me. For the next hour and a half, I was breathing, crying, yelling, hitting the table, and trying to just get at the end of it all. So many layers came off that day, or at least started to peel away.  Issues of belonging, of purpose, of voice all came up.  I just kept breathing and every time I thought I was done, something would trigger me and more vibrations and expressions of emotions would release. At one time, the therapist working on me said, "I just want to feel loved and supported" and I lost it again. It was amazing how difficult of a statement that was to hear. It made me realize all these deep feelings of unworthiness. Though I consciously believe that I am worthy of love, I have not always felt this way and even when I do, it is not always in totality.

Afterward, I was able to piece together where some of this came from. Part of it had to do with an experience I had right after high school. I had a sebaceous cyst on the right side of my back, midway between the hip and the ribcage. It had become infected and heeded to be removed. This is usually an out-patient procedure done with local anesthetic. When we showed up at the doctor's office they had double-booked our appointment but decided to squeeze us in anyway. I don't know if that was why things were hurried or if the anesthesia really didn't work, but it turned out to be an extremely traumatic experience. I was laying on my left side with my right arm above my head. They gave me a shot to numb the area and then started slicing into my skin. I could feel everything. The scalpel, the blood running down my back, the squeezing and the pus following.  My mom is yelling at the doctors to give me more anesthesia while I bawl and the doctors just trying to finish up.  It took me the rest of the week to recover from this experience.

While in massage school, I was the model when we were learning side-lying massage.  My teacher started to work around the scar and I could feel the tears come up as I started to on-some level reexperiences that trauma. It turned out to be a valuable lesson for the class about holding emotion in our bodies and I got to release some of it.

I do feel like that experience was some of what I released that day in the training room. There were other layers of frustrations with situations in my life, and more general feelings of being insecure about my place in the world.

It took me another day to recover from this release. My emotions were all over the place and it was difficult for me to connect with others. However, once this passed and some realizations formed in my consciousness, I became able to connect more deeply with those around me. I believe that it also made some room for the changes in my life that followed, including the decision to become a doula. In the next post I will write about my messenger who made it more obvious that a career path in birth services was coming soon in my future.

Getting the Call, part 2

Last Spring, I good friend of mine shared that she was pregnant. I haven't had many friends that I am close to get to this point in their lives (though I am sure this is going to be happening more and more often), and was very excited to hear that the following fall we will be celebrating the birth of her first baby. I had told this friend early on that I would be more happy to come after the birth and do some cranial releases for her.

The cranial work that I do, called Cranial/Structural, releases restrictions in the soft tissue surrounding the cranium bones affecting the structure of the rest of the body. The cranium is a mirror for the rest of the body and we can affect the pelvis by releasing the cranium. The main release that we do for the cranium in SET is called the Core Distortion Release. This release changes the relationship of the pelvis and the sacrum allowing those bones to move into a more balanced state.

Following childbirth, the hormones secreted to relax the ligaments, tendons, and muscles so that the pelvis can open for delivery are affected the soft tissue of the whole body. When the Cranial/Structural Core Distortion Release is applied at this time, we often get more movement out of the release because everything is already loose and we help the mother's pelvis to return to a more balanced state which is invaluable to healing from such a dramatic experience. Not only is her pelvis healing from delivery (if it was a vaginal delivery) but it is also healing from at least 6 months of carrying around extra weight in the front of the body. Mothers often suffer from back pain during pregnancy and after, so this is my gift to hopefully decrease the discomfort and help her to recover and begin her new life with her baby.

My friend, who I will call Lynn, is the first person that I was blessed to have this experience with. Lynn expressed interest in this treatment and asked when it was best to do it. I told her that we can do it as early as when the placenta comes out and ideally within 24 hours of the birth. I told her and her husband that they can call me at anytime and I would be there as soon as I could; the release would only take about 30 minutes at the most so Lynn wouldn't have to be worried about being away from her baby for too long.

When we were approaching her due date I received an email from Lynn letting me know that the time was near. Her daughter might arrive as early as two weeks before the due date or as late as two weeks after.  They had decided to have the birth at a local birthing center called Labor of Love, which was ironically, less than a mile from my North Tampa office.  Lynn and her husband had decided to not have anyone at their birth besides the midwife and assistant, so I was to be the first friend/family member to see the baby. I felt honored to be included in this inner circle, which was my first introduction to many more intimate birth experiences to come.

On a Wednesday night in November I got the call.  Luckily, it was early in the evening and I had the night off.  When I answered, I could hear Lynn's husband on the line saying, "She's here, our daughter is here."  His joy was palpable.  They were ready for me to come and see Lynn and I said I would be there shortly.

Stopping at my office on the way to pick up some supplies, I made it to the birthing center brimming with excitement.  I had never been to such a place before and it was beautiful. The center is in a business complex that looks like a bunch of cabins tucked away behind some trees. You would really have to know that it is there to find it. The complex was empty with only a few shaded windows lit up; it really just looked like someone's home. There was a wrap around porch encircling the entire building and the energy was calm and comforting; what a great place to be born. The inside matched the energy exactly.

When I walked in it was like I was walking into a well-loved apartment. There was a lovely living area, kitchen, two bathrooms, one with a shower the other with a huge bathtub, and two bedrooms. Lynn was still in the bed, nursing her very hungry newborn. Apparently, her daughter had been feeding for the last 40 minutes with no sign of stopping. I told her to take her time; I had no place to go and was just reveling in the amazing energy of a birthing space.

Though I had never seen a baby so fresh before and was excited to meet their daughter, I was very conscious of my energy. I was there for a very specific reason and I wanted to make sure that I maintained the sacredness of the experience for Lynn and her family without getting in the way. 

While Lynn was resting and feeding her daughter, her husband filled me in with the events of the past few days.  She had been in labor for four days, going back and forth between her home and birthing center, and it had become pretty tiring. It seemed like it was hard for the husband to see his love go through so much pain for so long. But as he told me all of this, you could see he had been deeply affected by the experience. He was amazed at her incredible strength to make it through all of it, and now they had their beautiful daughter here with them. In a way, it made him stronger.

The energy of the birthing center was in stark contrast to what had previously occurred. The struggle, pain, and frustration had faded away and all that was left was this calm and patient love. The lights were low, the place was relatively quiet. The midwives where mostly in an attached office, though they would come in from often to check on things or perform the tasks they needed to. They would answer Lynn and her husband's questions, affirm that it great she was still feeding, and made sure that Lynn had everything she needed. I was waiting for a while until the baby was done feeding, soaking in this calm and healing place and thinking, "This is where I would want to come into the world."  I had come with the intention of bringing more experiences like this in my life. I had no idea at the time how profoundly life changing this intention would be. 

Once Lynn handed off the baby for daddy-bonding time and had taken a shower, I had her lay down on the bed so I could do what I came there to do. The midwives decided that this would be a good time to do the examination, which actually took place on the same bed that Lynn was on. While they took measurements and checked range-of-motion, I held onto Lynn's cranium and began the subtle release. 

Very quickly Lynn relaxed and took a quick nap. Her cranium released so easily, my pressure and intention just barely guiding the movements, it was like they knew already where to go.  It was amazing to feel her head relax into my hands and again I felt so grateful to be there with her and have this experience. Lynn is someone who is always on the go, so I was happy to give her a little bit of time that was just for her. And after all of that hard work, she needed it.

Shortly after, Lynn came back to life refreshed. Her daughter was already hungry again and so they set to feeding again, a routine they've come to know very well by now. With my job done, I said my goodbyes and left the birthing center. I remember hoping that I would be back there someday to share in the amazing experience of life. Little did I know, the universe's message was to get a lot louder in the next few days.
Read Part 3

Getting the Call, part 1

The summer after high school I read Joseph Campbell's Hero with a Thousand Faces and was completely enthralled by this idea of the mythic process. Campbell outlines this process through comparing myths from various cultures to show that they all follow an almost predictable formula. His work has since been met with plenty of criticism, but for me it was like reading a sacred text about how to live our lives to the fullest, like the twentieth century, Western Daodeching or something. I remember even trying to find local Joseph Campbell fans to share in my intellectual reveling, though no community emerged. I have seen learned that even with community the journey is ever more inward. 

The first step in the mythic journey is what he calls the "call to adventure."  This is where the hero is summoned to walk a different path than they have been on or what is dictated by their present community.  A world beyond what had become ordinary starts to open up and reveal itself. Sometimes it is through a chance event that this occurs.  The princess loses her golden ball down a well. Siddhartha decides to journey outside his palace walls and discovers a world unknown to him. Frodo inherits a ring. Even in our own lives this happens. It is amazing to look back at the seeming mundane events to see that they were our messages that life change is near. 

I do feel that I have been called by the universe to become a doula, and now that some time has passed I can see how this worked.  For those unfamiliar with the term, a doula is a non-medical childbirth assistant that provides emotional, physical, and informational support to a mother before, during, and after labor. 

The first event that primed me for everything else was watching a documentary called The Business of Being Born. This was something that I had seen on Netflix for a while and never even thought to watch because, well, it didn't sound like a fun one and I wasn't very interested in learning about how messed up delivery practices were. I took enough women's studies classes in college that I am mildly aware of terms like "the medicalization of birth" and for a long time that was enough for me. Birth just seemed scary and not something that I even needed to think about. 

Back in the fall, I was invited to dinner at the home of long-time friends of my boyfriend. Though we've been dating since last spring I had not yet met these friends, partly because they are a couple with a 13-month-old and that doesn't leave much time for hanging out. It was a wonderful evening, the food was superb. I am totally impressed by a woman who works all-day, comes home to a small child and is still able to make an incredible meal for four people. The husband helped, especially with distracting the child, but the wife was definitely running the kitchen. 

I chatted with her a bunch and the conversation eventually got to talking about her birth experience.  Since then, I have learned that their experience was similar to many women's experiences today. Her labor was induced with pitocin which initiated a cascade of other interventions that made the process scarier and even more difficult. Nurses were coming in and out, giving more pitocin or epidural without consent, and mom or dad were both displeased with many elements of their experience.  In the end, thankfully, things turned out okay and they have a happy and beautiful daughter. 

One thing the mom said really stuck out to me. She had considered a home and/or natural birth and someone recommended she watched this movie, The Business of Being Born. After watching five minutes of it, she decided that the hospital was where she wanted to give birth. (Now she says that if there is a next time, she will seriously consider a home birth to avoid the trauma of the hospital birth.)

I was intrigued. Five minutes of this documentary biased against hospital births and she was convinced that this was the way for her?!? I had to check it out at least to figure out what five minutes she must have watched.  This never became clear to me.

Though I am not planning on giving birth soon, I certainly felt the exact opposite after viewing this film. I was actually very angry the day after I saw the movie. I couldn't believe some of the practices that they showed or that lots of women think that it is normal and okay. 

Since then, I have started to accept that hospitals or obstetricians are not evil and certainly some are better than others. As a doula, I will most likely be present for many hospital births, and it is important to work with the hospital staff and not see them as enemies. Besides, the birth is all about mom and baby, and they get my support now matter what choices are made, even if they don't match up with what I may personally choose. 

This was a start of my education and the constructuve side of anger is that it motivates us.  I was not aware of this then, but the feelings of "Women need to know this information!" was the beginning of this new passion of mine. I am so thankful for that dinner and conversation that led me to begin my education of childbirth. Though there were several other events that helped me to recognize that I was recieving a call, this was the first ring.


Read Part 2